This afternoon I went with one of my residents to a paratransit organization in order to aid him in getting services there. While sitting beside him on a fake bus a woman came in plopped down, without a word…..on my lap. I let her sit there, confused (me, not her) for a solid 45 seconds or so and when she still didn’t seem concerned by her seating choice, I finally asked her to kindly move to the seat beside me.
Come on, at least wine and dine me if you’re going to make such bold
moves — afterall, I am a lady.
My dear friend Miss B. (see also hello gov’na! ) came into my office today and informed me (once again in her faux Brittish accent) that she would be case managing me today and not vis-versa:
Miss B: Miss R., now tell me, how old are your children? (pointing to a picture on my desk)
Me: I don’t have any, Miss B., those are my best friend’s kids.
Miss B: (aghast) Wait! WHAT?! You don’t have any, not even ONE?!
Me: Wait a minute, I don’t case manage YOU like that! I never act appalled when you tell me things, come on, you’re not supposed to make me feel bad, as my case manager! Continue reading “baby got back.”
Miss H: Miss R., are you doing okay today?
Me: I sure am, why, what’s up?
Miss H: You’re sure? You didn’t have a fight with your man or somethin’ this morning?
Me: Ha! Nope, sure didn’t. Why do you ask?
Miss H: Well, I kinda figured there had to be a reason you wore that outfit you’ve got on — like, maybe you and your man got into a fight and you just grabbed whatever was closest to you, threw it on and stormed out of the house in protest.
Are you telling me you just decided that, that was a cute outfit and put it on like normal? Continue reading “dress to (un)impress.”
Mr. TD: Miss R., you’re not cooking for Thanksgiving are you?
Me: I am baking a pumpkin cobbler! I’ve never made it before, so you might want to wish me luck.
Mr. TD: Ohhh, so you are bringing a side dish too?
Me: No, no, just the cobbler.
Mr. TD: You mean you’re not going to bring your family a side order of Pepto Bismol?? Man, and here I thought you loved ’em enough to take them out of the look-at-me-I’m-trying-to-be-domesticated misery you’re going to put them in after they eat it. Continue reading “iron chef.”
I came in to work today coughing, sneezing and with a nose that only Rudolf or the folks in the Niquil commercials would envy. Thankfully, I was given several get-well remedies and should be better by morning….
A can of Red Bull — “It cures colds, see read the fine print” (aka the fine print that is so small NOBODY can read it).
A cigarette, with the claim that it will “dry everything up.” When I argued that it would make my cough worse, the response was, “it’s better for you than weed.”
This is probably true…but how about if I just don’t smoke either? Continue reading “in sickness and in health.”
[I just came back from a trip to visit a friend in Nebraska]
Mr. C (grabbing my left hand): Miss R., what did I tell you?? I thought we agreed that you would stay in Nebraska until you caught yourself a husband.
Me: Well actually no, WE did not agree on this — YOU did.
Mr. C: Well Miss R, it’s for your own good. I bet you didn’t even follow my advice did you?
Me: Ummmm, refresh my memory as to what that was…
Continue reading “smart is the new dumb.”